


it's quiet uptown

by skullcrow (orphan_account)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, also idk i guess this is kind of an au, does this technically count as a songfic, i just watched the movie ok and i'm dying here, i tagged it as hamilton, idk - Freeform, idk how to tag this whatever let's just get on w/ it, maybe idk, mentions of han's death, mentions of hux being executed, should i have, they're basically just saying hamilton lyrics to each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-29 10:09:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6370666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/skullcrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the son of han solo tries to make amends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's quiet uptown

**Author's Note:**

> this is kind of shittily written but i dont care im crying too hard right now
> 
> listen to "it's quiet uptown" from hamilton to get the full effect

He is sentenced to exile, if only for a little while.

Hux has been executed for his crimes; they were innumerable millions, even before the destruction of the Hosnian system, before the murder of sixty billion. Phasma, her chrome armor shed, walks free; she stands beside FN—Finn—and the scavenger girl, head held high.

He thinks it should be longer than a measly few years—should be forever, even, when he sees the steadfast, hard anger stiffening Rey's outline; the poorly concealed grim fury flashing in Poe's eyes; Finn's barely suppressed rage; and the pain shadowing every unfamiliar wrinkle lining Leia's face.

But he stays quiet. He accepts it. Tomorrow, he will be taken far away, to a planet of inhospitable conditions—and then he will return. Who will he be then, he wonders? Will he be Ben Solo, by the time those few years are up, or Kylo Ren?

He does not even know who he is now.

It's a beautiful day when dawn greets him; the sky is a brilliant shade of blue, a yawning abyss soaring overhead. Wispy clouds thin as they float calmly across the turquoise backdrop, light and delicate. There is a ship waiting for him; he is told he needs to stay put a little longer, so he does.

There are men nearby, watching him carefully as he stares out at the sunrise-bathed landscape, and he can feel their eyes boring holes into his back. But he is too caught up in the violent churning of his thoughts, in the sick feeling rising up inside him. He forces it down, trying to look at something, anything, to prevent him from losing himself in his mind.

When he hears footsteps behind him, he does not need to turn to know it is Leia.

He does not look at her. He does not. But she's so much shorter than him as she positions herself, silent, by his side. He bites his tongue, suppressing the flow of words that threaten to break out. They stand there, their breathing loud in his ears. And then:

"Look at where we are," she says, so softly he has to strain his ears to hear her; "look at where we started."

She sounds wondering, world-weary, incredulous at the pain the universe has inflicted upon her, as she gazes numbly out into the distance. His heart—which has been through so much, which used to be pure and light, which has burned with hatred, which now hovers, uncertainly, somewhere neither light nor dark— _wrenches_ , and he is overcome with the sudden urge to hug her, to cry in her arms.

He doesn't. He almost leaves her standing there, quiet and still as a statue, without breathing a word. He almost leaves her there, alone and longing for a dead man, for her brother, for her son.

Almost.

Miraculously, he speaks.

"I know I don't deserve your forgiveness," he says, slowly as he looks down to the ground at his boots (and he can see her out of the corner of his eye), "but hear me out, please." He swallows haltingly. "That would be enough."

She inclines her head, ever so slightly. He continues.

"If I could spare his life," he says, voice cracking with a note of pleading, "if i could trade his life for mine, he'd be standing here right now, and you would smile, and that would be enough."

He forces himself to stop, just for a moment, breathing in and out like he's just run a mile at full speed. "I don't pretend to know," he says heavily, "the challenges we're facing. I know there's no erasing what I've done, and you need—time."

He chokes on the last word, unable to continue, and he waits, pensively, for her response.

The sun is climbing higher; the sky is no longer tinged with red, or the deep purple of fading night. And then:

"I'm not afraid," she says, turning her head to look at him. "I know who my son is. Just don't push me away; that would be enough."

He finally looks at her. There are tears glistening in the corner of her eyes, threatening to break away.

"Do you like it here? It's quiet here," she says. "Look around, look around."

She takes his hand.

"It's quiet here," he says to his mother.

The man who boards the ship, who turns around to see his mother watching him with tears running down her face and a wide, sun-bright smile on her face; who smiles back with apprehensive, cautious joy creeping into his bones—whose mind is more peaceful than it's ever been for decades—he is not Ben Solo.

But he is not Kylo Ren, either.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope u cried. i almost did while writing this.
> 
> my tumblr is spacetimeglitch pls cry w/ me


End file.
